Darlene

 Mixed emotions right now.  I don’t know  how to react.

I was driving home from Drew’s house when my phone rang.  It was Drew.  “Darlene passed away.”

I first met her in the mid 80’s.  She was engaged to Drew’s friend Tommy.  They got married just a few months after we did.  We spent a lot of time with Tommy and Darlene.

Later, when Jen was a baby, and Drew and I unexpectedly needed to find childcare, Darlene became our nanny for a about six months.  That ended when I started my maternity leave before Becca was born, but there was a bond between Darlene and my daughter …

And then …

Drew and I were having serious problems in our marriage.  Ultimately we divorced, and things between us were miserable.  Absolutely miserable.  People who knew us during that time are shocked we even speak to each other, let alone that we have reconciled.

I’d cry on Darlene’s shoulder as my marriage fell apart, and she urged me to leave Drew.


But when I did …

It was impossible for Tommy and Darlene to remain my friends, Drew and Tommy were lifelong friends and the divorce was nasty.  I kind of expected that.

What I didn’t expect was Darlene’s betrayal.  That she would try to take my children away from me.

When I left Drew, the kids and I moved into my parents’ house.  My mom, my dad, and two of my sisters were living in that house, and I wanted to be certain that my very young children would be well cared for while I was at work.

Drew has always been a very involved father, and of course he sought custody of the girls.  In the 90’s in New York that wasn’t likely to happen; despite the gender-neutral laws, mothers got custody 90% of the time.  But I can’t blame him for trying.  He’s a parent, he lives his daughters.


But Darlene … submitted an affidavit to the court, alleging that my child care arrangements were “a hodgepodge of friends and family” and that she would be available to help Drew take care of the children and provide a more stable environment.

To this day I have never forgiven her for that betrayal.  My daughters are grown women and I still can’t get over it.

After Tommy died, Darlene remarried and moved to North Carolina.  And eventually she and I became Facebook friends. So I knew she’d been in very poor health these last few years. It’s no surprise that she passed away.


Drew is devastated.  Not only was Darlene his friend, she was his link to Tommy.


But I …don’t know what to feel.



Comments

  1. With that hurt inflicted on you by a friend, I can't begin to imagine how conflicted you are feeling right now. Anything concerning our precious children, especially, is a hurt that won't heal easily and to have Drew as part of the mix.... It took a lot on your part, I suspect, to tell this story and I hope it helps you to know, in the coming days, that you do have people pulling for you (even if you only know them virtually.) Others,hopefully, will have more wisdom to offer than I do.

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  2. I hadn't known the history of your marriage, and am glad you shared your story. Life is full of surprises. And betrayals. Sorry you had to go through all that stress years ago when your children were young.

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  3. Wow. I'm surprised you even became Facebook friends after that. Of course you're conflicted as to how to feel. You're probably going to have to process your emotions over time. Whatever you're feeling now is what you need to feel, and there are no emotions you "should" have.

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